RAP'S MVP (tradjazzguys) wrote,


This is mostly for A. Perry:

That episode of Urkel you are always talking about was on last night! It was totally amazing although your description of it was a little bit off:

The episode does NOT start off with Eddie pouting about how "Things haven't been the same since Steve invented that time machine!" Instead it starts with Carl and Eddie watching an old movie about tall ships. Eddie makes fun of the movie for being in black and white and Carl talks about how much he loves "those old tall ships". Eddie explains that Steve had invented a time machine and could probably take Carl back in time to see them in action. Steve did materialize in the Winslow's living room wearing a ten-gallon hat with an arrow stuck through it, but he didn't say "THE WILD WILD WEST IS A CRAAAAZZZZZZZZY PLACE" as you said he did. Instead, he said "Who know that the Native Americans hated polka so much?"

At first Carl was hesitant to go back in time with Urkel - he made this very clear by barking "No WAY am I going back in time with YOU!" to his friend Steve Urkel - but eventually he decided to go back in time anyway. Instead of appearing on a tall ship, Urkel and Carl appeared on a PIRATE ship! Also, I feel like an asshole for pointing this out but the ship was full of black pirates which I do not think is historically accurate.

One of the pirates introduced himself to Urkel by saying "I BE NICHOLAS HIGHTOWER - CAPTIN OF THIS SHIP." Urkel responded by saying "Ebonics! I AM Nicholas Hightower, Captian of this ship!"

Urkel then busted out a polaroid, which he used to take pictures of the pirates. There was some stupid exchange where a pirate said "What about my booty?" Urkel made the obvious but awesome joke: "A couple of weeks on the stair master will tighten that baby right up!"

For some reason they decided to make Carl the ship's captin, but they found Carl to be a fancy name. Urkel suggested "Cap'n Big Guy", a name which stuck. At first Urkel and Carl have an inexplicably great time on the pirate ship, but after a while the novelty wears off and the pirates grow sick of Urkel's shenanigans. "Cap'n Big Guy" starts yelling at Urkel, who whines incoherently every time this happens. Then Urkel drops his time machine in the ocean (I guess it is some kind of watch?!) and Carl flips out! In a totally awesome moment he shouted "OH MY GOD, WE'RE STUCK IN THE PAST FOREVER!"

Urkel doesn't seem to be mind being stuck in the past, which is insane because he totally has a girlfriend (Myra) back in the present. (To say nothing of his friends: Eddie, Laura, Richie, Three J, New Edition, etc.) Urkel talks about how he loves the sea air and runs around the pirate ship singing "Row Row Row Your Boat". I guess it turns out Myra had a time machine too so she, Laura, and Eddie's girlfriend (ALSO I HAVE NO CLUE WHO THAT CHARACTER IS!) go back in time to find them. The pirates crowd around the girls, eyeing them lustily. Eddie's girlfriend blanches at the sight of them: "Can we go now? These guys are NOT fine!"

The pirates obviously want to fuck Laura, Myra and Eddie's girlfriend but Urkel is having none of this. Urkel talks about how he shouldn't harm them as Myra is the daughter of the governor of Motown, and there is a huge reward for returning her safely. Then everybody, including the pirates, sings "Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch". The pirates change their minds and then there is a big swordfight. They make the Winslow family and friends walk the plank, and while on the plank Myra zaps them back to present day. They appear in the Winslow Family living room, where a dinner party that they are late for is well-underway. The dinner guests are very confused by their pirate outfits and sudden appearance although I'm sure they explained it calmly and the dinner party went fine.

Before the credits, there was a very awesome shot of Urkel cleaning a cannonball, which he then shoots off. The cannonball zooms through the sky and eventually "cracks" the TV screen, which shatters into a million pieces, revealing the inner works of a television. Urkel pops his head into the box of tubes and wires and asks "Have you seen my cannonball? I think it's over by the couch." I think this may be my favorite thing I have ever seen on television because it implies that URKEL LIVES INSIDE OF THE TV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After the episode there was an amazing commercial for Jimmy Dean sausages where the sun argues with some clouds. After this was a very strong episode of Urkel where Laura has to give Urkel a makeover for a bachelor's auction, something which I only think takes place on TV. I sure love the last season of that show.
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