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|Thursday, May 28th, 2009|
For years, I have been very excited about the prospect of seeing Michael Dinner's 2000 film, The Crew. I've always liked the idea of the "Grumpy Old (Fill In The Blank)" genre, of which this seemed to be the dying gasp. I guess I forgot who was in the crew, but when I saw that it featured a second-billed Seymour Cassell (!!!!) I knew I had to purchase it. After a few months of waiting, I finally stumbled across a two dollar VHS copy.
Long story short, the Crew let me down.
I should have realized that once Richard Dreyfuss started narrating that there was going to be a problem. His not-quite-Dreyfuss/not-quite-Goombah voice should sent me lunging for the "eject" button. The movie starts off confusing, with a long look at young versions of our geriatric heroes and their special abilities. (Fire, baseball bats, not talking.) They did not dub the actor's old man voices in like they did in "Space Cowboys" but maybe they should have. From there we see the "Crew" as adults, and they are bums. They are working at the morgue and Burger King (most uncomfortable fast food product placement since "Houseguest", by the way!) and not using any of their skills. Also, Seymour Cassel plays a character called "Mouth" or "Lips" or "Yapper" or some shit. His main skill is not talking.
WHAT THE FUCK, THE CREW! What kind of idiot gets Seymour Cassel and has him play a mute?! Also, there is a scene where he has sex with Jennifer Tilly (who is totally disgusting looking and not the ultimate babe I thought she was when I was 13) and he starts going on and on to her. You don't even get to hear him say any funny shit because Richard Dreyfuss is doing some stupid fuckin' narration through the entire scene. I figured he was going to start talking a lot and being hilarious, but this didn't happen at all. He stays stoic and quiet for the rest of the movie. Fuck you, The Crew.
There is a good part where Seymour Cassel dances because of the unwritten rule that if Seymour Cassel is in a movie he has to dance.
I spent most of the movie talking to my friends so I wasn't really following the plot after the first twenty minutes. The direction is really confusing, and flapping my lips over the entire thing didn't help. I think I remember one really confusing part where a young slut kisses The Crew on their cheeks and suddenly this allows them to have a bunch of money for no reason. They buy Rolex watches, etc. Then a bunch of other boring stuff happens. The movie ends with Joe Pesci singing some ridiculous song about being an old mobster. Also, I swear there was some Public Image Limited song in there but I could be making that up.
I fucked hated the Crew but in a way it made me more sad than angry. This is pretty much a dead genre and I can't imagine they're ever going to make another one of these. I would really like them to make one with Kirk Douglas, Harry Dean Stanton and a few other walking dead types. Maybe it can be about Grumpy Old Racecar Drivers or something, who knows.
All in all, fuck The Crew. Also, fuck Loose Cannons too. In case you don't know, that is a shitty buddy movie where Gene Hackman plays a badass cop who plays by his own rules and Dan Akroyd plays a schizophrenic cop who'se illness makes him act like Uncle Joey from Full House. I know that sounds sort of good but it was really annoying.
|Thursday, December 25th, 2008|
|A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE
FROM FACEBOOK:Abraham is now friends with Leighton AhPo. 1:31pm
I asked him if he remembered me and that he said I was "Terra Nova's Best Kept Secret".
|Tuesday, November 25th, 2008|
| ACE VENTURA JR, PET DETECTIVE?!?!?!?!?
|Tuesday, November 18th, 2008|
This one is only for A. Perry:
You know what was awesome? I will tell you. What was awesome was the time I was at work and had just finished watching some serious foreign movie and Makan told me "Hey, let's laugh a little!" and handed me a copy of "The New Guy". Makan rules.
In honor of my hero Owen Wilson, here is a list of Owen Wilson movies I have seen:
BOTTLE ROCKET (short)
BOTTLE ROCKET (feature)
THE CABLE GUY
HEAT VISION AND JACK (unaired tv pilot)
THE MINUS MAN
MEET THE PARENTS
KING OF THE HILL ("Luanne Virgin 2.0", tv)
THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS
STARSKY AND HUTCH
AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS
THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH STEVE ZISSOU
THE WENDELL BAKER STORY
YOU, ME AND DUPREE
THE DARJEELING LIMITED
Here are Owen Wilson movies I have yet to see:
BEHIND ENEMY LINES
THE BIG BOUNCE
MEET THE FOCKERS
NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM (Cassie really recommends this one though!)
CARS THE VIDEO GAME
Here are Owen Wilson efforts I have only watched while working at a video store. I do not think I deserve full credit for these:
BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS
Owen Wilson movies that have yet to be released that I am sure I will see someday although I am not excited about the first one at all:
MARLEY AND ME
NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM 2: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN
THREE STORIES ABOUT JOAN
Happy 40th birthday to my hero, Owen Wilson. You are the best, I hope you are having a good one.
|Monday, November 17th, 2008|
There was a brief Willem DaFoe series at the repertory cinema here. I went to see "The Life Aquatic", which means I have seen all five Wes Anderson movies in the theatre in a little more than a year. I really wanted to see "Go-Go Tales" but that was some sort of super-expensive event with DaFoe in person, so fuck that. I also wanted to see "Tom and Viv", which I had never seen before. Sadly, I could really only afford to go to one so I missed that. I wish I had some money and wasn't living such a Kato Kaelinesque lifestyle. Finding a job is hard.
I will say this: the Brattle really fucked up by not showing my favorite of his efforts, the consistently hilarious "Auto-Focus". Way to drop the ball, morons!
|Friday, November 14th, 2008|
|URKEL UPDATE '08
I'm feeling pretty uninspired but in case you wanted to know:
Last night Urkel accidentally found a way to read minds, and everyone was sincerely disappointed in him for this. They were shaking his head at him in everything. Later, ventriloquist dummies of Urkel and Carl terrorized the Winslow family. It was awesome although I fell asleep halfway through. They need to put that show on earlier.
|Tuesday, November 11th, 2008|
|YOU KNOW ME AND YOU KNOW I LOVE URKEL
This is mostly for A. Perry:
That episode of Urkel you are always talking about was on last night! It was totally amazing although your description of it was a little bit off:
The episode does NOT start off with Eddie pouting about how "Things haven't been the same since Steve invented that time machine!" Instead it starts with Carl and Eddie watching an old movie about tall ships. Eddie makes fun of the movie for being in black and white and Carl talks about how much he loves "those old tall ships". Eddie explains that Steve had invented a time machine and could probably take Carl back in time to see them in action. Steve did materialize in the Winslow's living room wearing a ten-gallon hat with an arrow stuck through it, but he didn't say "THE WILD WILD WEST IS A CRAAAAZZZZZZZZY PLACE" as you said he did. Instead, he said "Who know that the Native Americans hated polka so much?"
At first Carl was hesitant to go back in time with Urkel - he made this very clear by barking "No WAY am I going back in time with YOU!" to his friend Steve Urkel - but eventually he decided to go back in time anyway. Instead of appearing on a tall ship, Urkel and Carl appeared on a PIRATE ship! Also, I feel like an asshole for pointing this out but the ship was full of black pirates which I do not think is historically accurate.
One of the pirates introduced himself to Urkel by saying "I BE NICHOLAS HIGHTOWER - CAPTIN OF THIS SHIP." Urkel responded by saying "Ebonics! I AM Nicholas Hightower, Captian of this ship!"
Urkel then busted out a polaroid, which he used to take pictures of the pirates. There was some stupid exchange where a pirate said "What about my booty?" Urkel made the obvious but awesome joke: "A couple of weeks on the stair master will tighten that baby right up!"
For some reason they decided to make Carl the ship's captin, but they found Carl to be a fancy name. Urkel suggested "Cap'n Big Guy", a name which stuck. At first Urkel and Carl have an inexplicably great time on the pirate ship, but after a while the novelty wears off and the pirates grow sick of Urkel's shenanigans. "Cap'n Big Guy" starts yelling at Urkel, who whines incoherently every time this happens. Then Urkel drops his time machine in the ocean (I guess it is some kind of watch?!) and Carl flips out! In a totally awesome moment he shouted "OH MY GOD, WE'RE STUCK IN THE PAST FOREVER!"
Urkel doesn't seem to be mind being stuck in the past, which is insane because he totally has a girlfriend (Myra) back in the present. (To say nothing of his friends: Eddie, Laura, Richie, Three J, New Edition, etc.) Urkel talks about how he loves the sea air and runs around the pirate ship singing "Row Row Row Your Boat". I guess it turns out Myra had a time machine too so she, Laura, and Eddie's girlfriend (ALSO I HAVE NO CLUE WHO THAT CHARACTER IS!) go back in time to find them. The pirates crowd around the girls, eyeing them lustily. Eddie's girlfriend blanches at the sight of them: "Can we go now? These guys are NOT fine!"
The pirates obviously want to fuck Laura, Myra and Eddie's girlfriend but Urkel is having none of this. Urkel talks about how he shouldn't harm them as Myra is the daughter of the governor of Motown, and there is a huge reward for returning her safely. Then everybody, including the pirates, sings "Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch". The pirates change their minds and then there is a big swordfight. They make the Winslow family and friends walk the plank, and while on the plank Myra zaps them back to present day. They appear in the Winslow Family living room, where a dinner party that they are late for is well-underway. The dinner guests are very confused by their pirate outfits and sudden appearance although I'm sure they explained it calmly and the dinner party went fine.
Before the credits, there was a very awesome shot of Urkel cleaning a cannonball, which he then shoots off. The cannonball zooms through the sky and eventually "cracks" the TV screen, which shatters into a million pieces, revealing the inner works of a television. Urkel pops his head into the box of tubes and wires and asks "Have you seen my cannonball? I think it's over by the couch." I think this may be my favorite thing I have ever seen on television because it implies that URKEL LIVES INSIDE OF THE TV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After the episode there was an amazing commercial for Jimmy Dean sausages where the sun argues with some clouds. After this was a very strong episode of Urkel where Laura has to give Urkel a makeover for a bachelor's auction, something which I only think takes place on TV. I sure love the last season of that show.
|Wednesday, November 5th, 2008|
Also, I would like to think that Obama mostly won because he told Sway that he looked "tight".
One time I asked an MTV personality if Sway is "funny in real life" and he said that yes, he is.
Hey, you know what was awesome? When Tony wrote that review tearing apart The Anniversary's "Your Majesty" and they wrote some bitchy letter to him. I really like that band and that album but still, that was hilarious. When I am in a hit band I am going to do that kind of shit all the time.
|THE BEST URKEL EVER?
I am not going to talk about politics on this thing as nobody likes to hear a retard spout off his goofy opinions. (Some of you may recall my thoughts on a certain-indie rocker's Hulk-Hands accentuated speech in front of a smiley-face sun!) I will say this, if only because it puts in perspective the amazing mood I was in last night: I am really, really happy about the election results. I was in a really great mood last night and I couldn't imagine it was going to get any better. Well, I was wrong! Shortly after McCain conceded, TV decided to be awesome AGAIN and show me THE BEST EPISODE OF URKEL I HAVE EVER SEEN:
Urkel was doing some sort of experiment involving foamy beakers when a very, very old looking Eddie Winslow (it looked like he had grey hair!) entered the room. Urkel was telling him about how his friends New Edition (!!!!!) were playing a concert that night and Eddie flipped out and insisted that Steve get him two front row tickets. The rest of the episode involved the entire Winslow family hounding Steve for tickets, which seemed to really piss him off. (He graciously gave two tickets to Mother Winslow, though. Urkel rules. Also, for the record, my favorite thing on Family Matters is when Mother Winslow enters a scene to a HUGE burst of applause and whooping.)
I was sort of falling asleep while watching it but I remember a few things pretty clearly:
Stefan and Steve were two separate people in this episode?! And Stefan was living in France for some reason?! Laura was really bummed because Stefan couldn't be at the New Edition concert with her. At the end Stefan ended up coming to the concert anyway! He was totally jamming out with Laura, Steve, Eddie, Mother Winslow, Myra (R.I.P) and some girl who I didn't recognize.
Bobby Brown did some ridiculous rap about "my man Steve Urkel".
Carl and Harriet were both really bummed because they wanted to go to the concert but they had to stay home and watch Richie and Three J. Urkel decided to cheer them up so he brought New Edition to the Winslow's house to sing for them! They were really into it although Carl seemed sort of conflicted - New Edition were sort of giving his wife sex vibes so he seemed pissed but he was also clearly lovin' the music!
I think my very favorite part was Laura and Steve's amazing post concert exchange. In fact, this may be the best thing I have ever heard on TV! (I wrote this down so this is verbatim)
Laura: I can't believe it - one minute I'm watchin' the concert and the next I'm on stage with New Edition!
Stefan: Yes... VERY cool.
Urkel is such a good show!
|Tuesday, November 4th, 2008|
BARNEY RUBBLE 4 PREZ
RICHIE RAMONE 4 VICE PREZ
|Monday, November 3rd, 2008|
Happy birthday to Steve Ditko and Rosanne. Today is a good day to be born if you are a total crazy person.
|Friday, October 31st, 2008|
SON OF A BITCH THEY CANCELED KING OF THE HILL.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW UPSET THIS HAS MADE ME. THIS HAS RUINED MY WEEK, MONTH AND MAYBE MY YEAR. KING OF THE HILL HAS BEEN MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE SHIT SINCE I WAS ELEVEN YEARS OLD. IT HAS BEEN CONSISTENTLY BRILLIANT THROUGH THE YEARS. SOME OF MY FAVORITE EPISODES HAVE BEEN THE RECENT ONES. I STILL WATCH THE NEW ONES EVERY WEEK AND EVERYTHING! THIS IS LIKE FINDING OUT THAT A CLOSE FRIEND IS GOING TO BE EXECUTED.
ALSO, THEY ARE REPLACING IT WITH SOME STUPID-ASS SETH MCFARLANE SHOW ABOUT THAT SLOW TALKING GUY FROM FAMILY GUY. GOD DAMN IT THIS FUCKING SUCKS. I GUESS MIKE JUDGE IS MAKING SOME NEW CARTOON ABOUT KIDS WHO LOVE RECYCLING OR SOMETHING - I GUESS THIS IS FINE BUT IT IS NO CONSOLATION. I AM ABSOLUTELY HEARTBROKEN. THIS NEWS HAS GUTTED ME. I THOUGHT I WAS A BROKEN SHELL OF A PERSON BEFORE BUT THIS IS THE LAST STRAW.
MOTHERFUCK THIS FUCKING ROTTEN ASS WORLD.
|Wednesday, October 29th, 2008|
Well, I guess I never saw City of Ember. Oh well.
|Monday, October 27th, 2008|
|HIGHLIGHTS OF AN OTHERWISE DREARY 2008
- Finding out what Alex Chilton's favorite alcoholic beverage was and attempting to drink it on a regular basis. (I will not tell you what it was or who told me what it was but I will tell you that it is harsh and disgusting.)
- Ending a friendship-ending e-mail with the sentence "Also, Jean Luc Godard is a great man and you have no idea what you are talking about."
- Meeting Thomas Pynchon
- Hanging out with Matt Pinfield
2008 has for sure been the worst year of my life since 1998. A lot of really terrible, horrible stuff went down. You name a potential nuisance and it probably happened to me. I experienced broken hearts, bed bugs and all the rest. However I have to say that the worst part was when my ankle swelled up into a huge blueish-purple loaf and I spent every moment of my day in agonizing pain. I still have no idea why that happened unless it was some sort of karmic punishment for being a son of a bitch. Anyway:
Here are things my friends are doing:
- Filming skits for Saturday Night Live
- Acting in skits on Saturday Night Live
- Being in buzz bands, getting their pictures in the NME, getting to go on tour without ever having a job once in their lives, etc
- Having fun
- Collecting unemployment
- Doing drugs
- Falling in love
- Kissing, holding hands
- Having regular sex
- Buying things
- Working in animation
- Staying out late even when they have to go to work
- Smiling, laughing, etc
Here are some things I am doing:
- Cursing my family name
- Eating the same meal every day (One french bread pizza, one "Big Gulp"'s worth of Coca-Cola, one chocolate donut) with the occasional bag of Doritos to mix it up
- Screwing around on the internet
- Reading books
- Not showering